There comes a time in the life of some when things you have struggled to comprehend for years suddenly become clear.
The clouds part, the sun breaks through, and you can finally see the way ahead.
An epiphany, a moment of clarity, call it what you will; when and if it arrives, it truly is a time to savour.
Not everyone is lucky enough to experience such a life-changing moment and they continue going round in circles as they search for answers.
However, to those who have experienced that amazing feeling when the fog finally clears and you are able to see your path, the weight that lifts off those tired and weary shoulders is truly phenomenal.
I thought this had happened to me a few years ago, but in hindsight, and as subsequent events would prove, I realise now that at that time it had been a false dawn. I was impulsive and still had important lessons to learn (although we never stop learning).
In reality, my special moment happened more recently and came on the back of what were, without any shadow of a doubt, the toughest years of my life (at least for the first half of the previous eight years); a time during which I became so desperate that I came within seconds of taking my own life.
I feel blessed that after such a long time trying to find my way in the dark, and after coming so close to throwing in the towel, I can finally see the light, have a clearer understanding of who I am, the nature of my purpose and of the path I wish to take.
It’s all too easy to go round in circles on a frustrating carousel of life, where conformist views influence our necessity and ability to stay afloat and the way we lead our lives.
We are often bombarded with the well-intentioned (but sometimes stifling) advice of others and, as the carousel picks up pace, we continue listening and strive to keep everyone happy (family, friends, colleagues, etc), and we can lose track of the dreams and the aspirations we once had.
In many cases, people sacrifice their true selves to placate others, maintain the status quo and conform to what is largely regarded as a traditional society model, no matter how unhappy it makes them.
This type of frustration is negative in the extreme and can even lead to deeper rooted problems such as anger, low self-esteem, depression and wider mental health issues.
As people strive to find a way out of such a downward spiral, they can become impulsive in their search for answers and a way out and, as the answers are seldom found in the places they look, it further compounds the problem.
Of course, in reality, and as I have discovered, the real answers have always been close to hand; they live within one’s self.
The dreams and aspirations we have are personal and it is down to us, and us alone, to make them happen.
Quite often, however, the very nature of the society in which we live (and its associated perceptions) make that difficult. Unless you’re born with a silver spoon in your mouth, everyone needs to work to earn money and create a stable environment for themselves to live in. This becomes essential if you have a family who depend on you.
However, whilst stability is something we all aspire to (unless intent on leading an anarchistic, hippy or Nomadic lifestyle), the way in which we achieve it should not be allowed to extinguish our hopes and aspirations.
I’m certainly not suggesting that people should throw caution to the wind and make selfish decisions that will put them and their families at risk. However, with the pressures of everyday life, it’s easy to become stuck in a self-defeating rut. Eventually, and before we know it, the boring slog becomes the norm and we feel trapped in a vicious and repetitive cycle.
Any dreams we once had soon vanish, and other people can compound the situation; even if their desire is unintentional.
Well-meaning people who urge caution and conformity to a secure (but sometimes mundane) life model may have our best interests at heart but, by using their own fears of ‘thinking out of the box’ as a basis for advice, they can also unintentionally extinguish our own hopes.
Of course, there are others out there who pour scorn on such aspirations out of jealousy and their own fear of the unknown, and it is important we are able to see through their true intentions and ignore such negative overtures.
The fact is that human nature makes people cling to things they are familiar with and they become ever more afraid to let go and explore an unknown path. They get on to the “conformity carousel”, and once it picks up speed, it’s difficult to get off.
I was on that very ride for many years. The dizzying sensation of going round in circles made it difficult for me to focus, and on the occasions when I wanted to jump off and head in a different direction, there were plenty of people on the same ride urging me to hang on for dear life.
As it turns out, I eventually found the strength to get off (with a helping shove by fate herself), and although the landing was hard and I have been forced to learn some extremely painful and difficult lessons since, for me, the suffering was worth it because the clarity I now feel and my sense of self-identity are something I embrace.
I’ve picked myself up, dusted myself down and feel glad that I’m no longer spinning.
As mentioned in previous posts, I still battle periodic depression of varying degrees of severity and longevity.
However, through adversity and a long period of intense self-reflection, I have finally discovered (and am continuing to do so) who I really am, and my dreams have returned to the fore.
They are achievable and always have been. The only problem was that I allowed self-doubt and the conformity carousel to spin me away from them.
Writing projects I’d always wanted to explore, a desire to re-train and use my skills to help others (something I now do through teaching English; a job I adore), interests and pursuits I had previously put on a seemingly constant backburner; those aspirations are all back in my life now and I feel so much better for it.
After initially jumping off the carousel, highly dramatic and traumatic events on a beautiful Spanish island several years ago conspired to leave me on my knees, down and very nearly out.
However, through determination, inner strength, greater self-awareness and the fact I have been fortunate enough to have some amazing, supportive people in my life, I hauled myself up off the ground and began afresh.
Some people I know have stayed on the carousel, clinging on to what they know, and are reluctant to step off and into a whole new (and potentially better) world.
If that familiarity gives them stability and peace of mind, then I completely understand and wish them well.
However, for all the pain and uncertainty I have suffered since leaping off myself, I feel that I now have the freedom and clarity of mind to take my life in the direction I truly want to.
I feel grateful for everything I have, the fantastic people in my life, and feel privileged to be doing work for which I have a true passion, as well as living in a beautiful part of the world.
It may seem a little clichéd, but to quote a famous line from Survivor’s ‘Eye of the Tiger’ (made famous in the film Rocky III):
“Don’t lose your grip on the dreams of the past, you must fight just to keep them alive!”
I’ve got a lot of experience behind me, but this time, the real journey is only just beginning.
