True friends are a blessing and they can cross our path at any stage of our journey through life.
Of course, some are closer than others and a few can play such an important role that they effectively become family.
Genuine, honest friends encourage and confide in each other, are available to offer support and guidance, and they stick by each other through both the good times and the bad.
If you are fortunate enough to have people like this in your life, then it is something to feel proud of because it speaks volumes about the type of person you are.
True friendship is a two-way street, and the fact that you are someone in whom others put their faith and to whom they give their loyalty, is a clear indicator that you are displaying the same characteristics.
However, what happens if you discover that the person who should be your very best friend has actually become your worst enemy?
They’re highly critical, frequently undermine you, and neglect your needs to such an extent that it begins to have a negative impact on your health.
Furthermore, what if it is someone from whom you are unable to escape, and the only way things will improve is if you confront them head-on and address the issues?
“Unable to escape”?
Surely everyone has the capability, no matter how difficult it can be, to walk away from a person who causes them such pain.
The problem is that, whether you like it or not, this is someone you have to live with 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
What if the person in question is you?
You see, whilst you may be the most loyal, compassionate and considerate of people to others, you also have a duty to treat yourself the same way.
Why put yourself down when , at the same time, you are motivating others? Why ignore your own achievements when you are full of praise for those of another person? Why neglect yourself whilst being there for everyone else?
From a personal perspective, it is a lesson that I have learnt the hard way, but it is something which I have been addressing in a bid to help me live in a healthier, happier and more fulfilling way.
As a whole, I have always been a confident, sociable, and outgoing person, but as mentioned in previous posts, I have also suffered periodic bouts of depression of varying degrees and longevity.
That, coupled with certain other dramatic and traumatic events in my life, has led me to seek therapy on several occasions and deeply examine both the causes and fallout of such periods and events.
Many things have emerged from the sessions and, at times, they have been harrowing affairs.
However, the long-term benefit of facing the problems has reaped its rewards and made me a wiser person, although you never stop learning and I am still trying to understand and come to terms with certain aspects.
One common factor that certain psychologists, including my most recent, have clearly identified (and, due to their excellent professionalism and insight, they have my full confidence) is a tendency I have to put the needs of others ahead of my own.
Now, empathy and wanting to offer your love, help and support to others is clearly a positive characteristic.
However, on occasions, I have put the needs of others first to such a degree that it has resulted in me neglecting myself in the process with extremely negative and painful consequences.
This trait has been particularly evident in relation to matters of the heart and in romantic relationships.
Putting it bluntly, there have been times when I should have walked away from certain people or situations a long time previously, but through love, loyalty (albeit obviously misguided on occasions), and a powerful desire to make things work (a never quit attitude), I have “gone way and above what other people would have done” (the exact words of two psychologists and sentiments echoed by various close friends) to try to keep the other person happy and the relationship alive.
Furthermore, I have completely put my own needs to one side in a bid to please them.
Sadly, however, and although a strong person with a strong character, this has occasionally led to me being taken for granted and / or manipulated, and, in two extreme cases, even subjected to mental abuse.
The latter, which is often difficult to detect whilst you are blinded by the emotions of your relationship, along with the former elements, are things to which I am now extremely alert.
Mental abuse, in particular, is something which even the most confident and strongest of people can be susceptible to when it is initially conducted in a covert way (please see my earlier article “Mental Abuse, Lies and Mind Games. Surviving a Visit to the Narcissist’s Playground.” for more details on his particular subject).
In such cases, you find yourself doing everything you can to please the other person, whose demands become increasingly unreasonable and manipulative. In the process, you forget your own emotional needs, and slowly but surely you start to lose yourself.
By the time the other person shows their true face, you’re already in too deep, and finding yourself again and a way back to a life similar to the one you had before the relationship began can seem like a monumental task.
For the main part, I have been fortunate to have had some wonderful relationships with truly caring and loving people, and am blessed to have amazing, genuine friends, some of whom I have known since childhood.
However, there have been other occasions in my life where I have offered my heart in a romantic sense, or given my friendship platonically and have put everything I can into the relationship, even though, in hindsight, I can see that the other person’s treatment of me was often completely unacceptable and, at times, appalling.
Now, I’m not for one minute trying the pass the buck and blame the other person for all the things that have gone wrong in such cases.
Any relationship or friendship takes two people to function, and I fully accept my own role and faults in cases where things haven’t worked out.
However, extreme cases of poor treatment of another person, and abuse in any form, are never excusable, and during the bad episodes I have experienced, I have been subjected to both.
I’ve even had psychological mind games deployed and directed at me on a couple of occasions.
In certain cases, I have adopted a zero tolerance approach and cut the person out of my life immediately. For example, one thing I will never tolerate is infidelity.
However, in other scenarios, and with one or two people, I gave them multiple chances, waited patiently for them, and continued to show my loyalty in the belief that things would work out.
Sadly, and as I would discover to my own detriment and pain, they didn’t.
On reflection, and now removed from said situations and able to see them clearly for what they really were, it brings me back to my original comment about being a friend to yourself.
You see, imagine if you had a friend who was being treated in the same way and that friend confided in you that his partner had lied and / or cheated or was making no effort in the relationship.
What advice would you give them?
In less severe cases, you may advise them to sit down and talk to the other person to discuss the reasons and discover whether they can work together to resolve the situation amicably and move forward in a positive manner.
However, in situations where your friend has been cheated on, there are multiple lies or evidence that your friend is the one making all the effort whilst the other person pays them no attention and completely disregards their needs and feelings and focuses solely on their own, then it would be natural to advise your friend to walk away, focus on their own life and realise that they would be better off without such a negative and energy-sapping influence in their life.
Why, therefore, do we often fail to follow our own advice?
If I had I adopted the approach I have just mentioned and listened to such guidance (and I have previously offered said counsel to my own friends), I would have, inevitably, saved myself a lot of heartache.
There have been times where I have ignored obvious “red flags” (warning signs) when I should have trusted my intuition (I will write more about the subject of “intuition and overthinking” in a future article).
Indeed, some close friends had given me advice too, but I chose to ignore it and, as a result, I then suffered the painful consequences further down the line.
The reason I didn’t listen to either them or myself is now blatantly obvious; I didn’t treat myself like a friend.
Instead, I beat myself up and tore myself apart emotionally, often blaming myself and trying to discover what had gone wrong. What had I done for someone to behave like that towards me? What was wrong with me?
I’m not saying self-evaluation is bad. In contrast, it is essential to look at want went wrong and examine your own role so that you can learn from the experience and not make the same mistakes again.
However, on those occasions, I realised that by turning in on myself and hitting the self-destruct button, I was actually treating myself like an enemy.
Although hurt by others, I was throwing petrol on the fire and causing myself even more pain when I should have really been looking at things from the perspective of an objective friend.
In reality, and if I had been a true friend to myself, I should have left said people and toxic situations a long time before they even began to affect my health, and I take full responsibility for not doing so. It was my decision to stay, after all.
In the present and taking it all into account, what have I learnt?
Well, for a start, I am more alert to the warning signs regarding the behaviour of other people and now have boundaries in terms of the type of things I will and won’t accept.
Furthermore, I will not consciously allow myself to make the same mistakes I have made in the past. In some cases, I am prepared to give people a second chance, but I will not tolerate frequent lies or allow someone to take me for granted.
In addition, although I remain a patient person, I now have limits and am prepared to walk away if I feel someone is either using me or isn’t prepared to put the same effort into our relationship or friendship.
I also focus on the positive things in my life and strengths: the great family and friends I have around me; my work (writing and teaching), for which I have a great passion; I look back at my achievements and celebrate them; I continue to lead and enjoy an active, sporty lifestyle; and I try to use my own experience of life to help others and provide motivation (as readers will know, one of the reasons for starting this blog was to examine many issues, as well as raise awareness about depression and other related conditions by being open about my own experiences, thus providing help and support for others); and I have been continuing to work, when possible, on my forthcoming book, Both Sides of the Story, as well as other exciting projects.
As a sociable man, I also enjoy meeting and getting to know people.
From such situations, new friendships are often forged and, as stated previously, some can last for a lifetime.
One new friendship I have made recently, though, is undoubtedly the one which will prove to be the most important of my life.
It’s with a person I have actually known since the first day I arrived on this planet, but with whom I have spent many years fighting and treating like an enemy.
Thankfully, the fighting has finally stopped and this person now has my full and unconditional respect, trust and confidence because he knows me better than anyone.
He recognises my strengths and faults and encourages me to make the most of the former and find ways to improve on or overcome the latter.
His name is Paul.
I have finally discovered how to become a friend to myself.
FOOTNOTE / DISCLAIMER: Although certain photos have been used to visually illustrate this article, I am in no way insinuating that the people featured in the images are narcissists, cheats, liars or carry any other negative character traits I have mentioned. They are purely for illustration purposes.
