Many can be full of joy and happiness, some can teach us valuable lessons, whilst others can be so painful that they test our very ability and desire to carry on. Occasionally, they can be a mixture of all three, and riding the rollercoaster of emotions can be a daunting task.
One such chapter on my own life’s journey happened eight and a half years ago on a distant Spanish island (I have decided not to name it specifically in this article for various reasons, but both the location and experience are featured in more detail in my forthcoming book, Both Sides of the Story).
The experience had a deeply profound effect on me and, as some of you may have read in my previous articles, I very nearly never made it through to tell the tale.
In hindsight, I realise the fact that I am here now and writing this is a testament to the inner strength I have and a determination never to give up, even in the face of adversity.
I was also fortunate enough to have some fantastic, caring and loving people in my life, as well as the guidance and support of some truly fantastic medical professionals, to whom I will be eternally grateful.
Most importantly of all, it taught me some of my most valuable lessons in life and has helped me grow and shaped me as a person.
Recovering from my experience was a hugely difficult task; the things which happened at that time resulted in me spiralling into a depression so deep that I came within seconds of taking my own life.
To provide some background to the story: Before moving to the island, I had given up a good life, nice home and responsible job as a crime journalist in my native England to be with someone I deeply loved. How we met is a story in itself but, despite the distance (she was Spanish and a local to the island), powerful feelings between us quickly developed.
I’ve always been a firm believer that words are only as strong as the actions that support them and, given the cultural differences between an island paradise and life in a busy British city (not to mention the language barrier both she and her young daughter would have encountered; neither spoke English), I decided to move out there and be with them. I was determined to show, provide and share with them a life full of happiness and positivity, and we had excitedly talked about our future together leading up to the move.
Tragically, and without going into details in this article or apportioning any blame, circumstances and things I didn’t know before I moved out there conspired to shatter the dream. These damaging issues subsequently took a serious toll and my health began to deteriorate rapidly (I have fought periodic depression of various levels of severity and longevity since my mid to late 20s and on this occasion a reactionary bout to the events in question took a very firm hold).
Despite my dreadful state of health, I somehow mustered up the strength to gather the belongings I had left and make it back to the UK, although when I arrived, people close to me were so worried about my condition that some thought I wouldn’t come out the other side. My doctor and other health professionals said I was lucky to have even made it back at all, given my condition.
However, survive I did, although it took quite some time to come to terms with the impact of my experience, as well as some intensive therapy to help me deal with the mental implications and many associated unanswered questions.
Jumping ahead more than eight years and I am now leading a happy, productive and creative life, doing a job I adore and living in yet another beautiful part of the world. I feel lucky and extremely grateful for everything I have, the positive people in my life, as well as the lessons I have learned.
That said, I also believe there are sometimes occasions in our lives when to help us move forward, we need to revisit certain places (either physically or spiritually, or both).
There are two phrases which spring to mind: “lay ghosts to rest” and “face your demons”. Both relate to the need to face the very things which have caused us pain in a bid to overcome them, discard the associated negativity and enable us to progress with our lives in a positive manner.
In my own case, and once I had regained my strength, it had long been my intention to revisit the very place where my life nearly came to an end all those years ago.
Therefore, late last summer, and unbeknown until now to the majority of people who had seen the fallout and impact of my previous experience, I finally returned to the Atlantic paradise where I had experienced such a painful and life-changing chapter of my life.
Ironically, my visit was hastened by surprising and unexpected contact from a certain person whose role in my life was central to virtually everything that happened during that time; my ex girlfriend.
We lost contact many years ago after my departure, but she decided to look me up on the internet one day back in late August and contacted me via email.
After several lengthy and in-depth telephone conversations, in which we both expressed a desire to meet and talk in person, I soon found myself on a plane and heading for the archipelago of islands which form “Las Islas Canarias“.
It felt like the right time, as well as an ideal opportunity to receive answers to the many questions which had remained unanswered all those years.
My former partner, who now lives on another island, greeted me on my arrival and, armed with a much higher level and better understanding of the Spanish language than I had eight years ago, it was far easier to communicate in the detailed manner which was required.
Our subsequent conversations seemed to help us both, and it was obvious that powerful feelings continued to exist. However, for spiritual and personal reasons, we agreed that the trip to our former island home was one I needed to make alone and, with that in mind, I caught a ferry one sunny Saturday morning and spent the day visiting places which had previously had such a dramatic effect on my life.
The island itself is breathtaking in its beauty. It is also steeped in the most fascinating history and tradition, and has a known association (albeit not often or freely talked about by the locals) with witchcraft.
In the latter case, and partly due to my personal domestic situation, I had discovered and experienced certain unnerving elements during my time living there, including incidents which to this day I still can’t explain, and doubt I ever will. I would also experience things during my most recent visit to the islands too. However, that’s a story for another day, and such events also feature in my book.
Not surprisingly, my trip to the island had a major impact on me once again, although this time it was for different reasons and with different results.
I briefly visited the small town (more like a village in terms of size) where we used to live, I went up into the mountains and deep into the forest to places where I / we used to hike, I travelled to the sites where certain “unexplained” events had occurred and, most significantly of all, I visited the place where I nearly took my life all those years ago.
To say the experience was emotional, and that tears were shed, is a huge understatement. However, I also found it extremely spiritual and uplifting and it helped me come to terms with many things from my past which I had carried around with me like a giant lead weight for so long.
After my brush with suicide (and I hasten to add that it is the only time it has ever happened in my life), I always vowed that I would never allow myself to get to such a low and desperate level again, and whilst I have suffered from depression several times since, I know that my experience on that occasion helped strengthen me and has enabled me to fight the illness in ways that I previously wasn’t able.
Despite my battles with that most debilitating and misunderstood of illnesses, I am by nature an optimistic and positive person, and my attitude now is that if I was able to overcome that lowest and most dramatic of moments eight years ago, then I can face whatever else life has to throw at me.
Going back to last year’s trip, I concluded my journey by hiking up to the highest point on the island and visiting a restaurant deep in the forest, where my former partner and I had spent time and enjoyed meals in the past, to once again sample a spot of traditional Canarian cuisine and a glass local wine.
This was followed by a slow drive back down through the forest and winding mountain roads to the island’s main harbour, where I had time for further reflection as I waited to board the ferry.
It was a highly poignant moment, as the last time I had been at that very spot, I was a broken and desperate man, a trembling nervous wreck, waiting with tears in my eyes, uncertain of my future or if I had one at all.
After a short wait, I finally drove onboard the ferry and waited for its departure.
Less than 30 minutes later, and with the sun beating down on the rear deck; the ferry leaving a dramatic, foaming white ocean trail in its wake; and the island growing ever more distant, I began to feel the most incredible mixed emotions: relief, happiness, elation, positivity. I was also still highly reflective, but, incredibly, the pain had finally gone, and the weight which I had carried on my shoulders for such a long time was no longer there.
It felt like whatever hurt and emotional distress I had picked up and taken with me when I left the island in such dramatic circumstances eight and a half years before had finally been left behind in the very place from where I had originally collected it.
I felt liberated, grateful and finally free to continue with my life. It was time to move on to the next chapter.
My ghosts had been well and truly laid to rest.
As history has shown me recently, you never know when and if your paths will cross again.
INFORMATION:
I go into more detail about the experiences mentioned here in my forthcoming book, Both Sides of the Story.
For more information, please feel free to follow this blog and view my website: http://pauldbull.com
IMPORTANT MESSAGE:
If anyone reading this is suffering from depression and / or has suicidal thoughts, please remember that you are not alone and that help and support is available 24/7.
Sometimes simply talking to someone can help, and if you don’t feel able to communicate with people close to you, then there are independent organisations out there who you can contact in confidence.
One organisation I recommend in the UK, which you can also access from abroad, is the Samaritans. For information about the organisation and contact details, please click on the following link: http://www.samaritans.org/
Stay strong and never give up. You will get through it, and there are millions of us out here who are with you all the way.
Hi Paul, the thing that comes across from this blog is what a lovely and brave human being you are. When you have a father like you have I’m not surprised. A lovely step mum too. I don’t know your mum but i bet she is lovely too. I look forward to reading your book very much.
God Bless you Paul.
Denise xxx
Thank you for your lovely, kind words, Denise.
I feel blessed to have wonderful parents and, albeit small, an amazing, loving family. I am also lucky to have some incredible friends and positive people in my life.
My primary purpose for writing so openly about my own experiences is to provide help, support and motivation for others.
I hope that people facing their own battles with depression and, in some cases, suffering feelings of sheer desperation, are able to take strength from my words and understand that they are not alone.
One again, thanks for your lovely comment and for taking time to read my post.
I’m really pleased you were able to identify with it.
Paul. Xxx
thanks for sharing your experience with us
Thanks for your comment and taking time to read the article, Alberto.
I hope you found it interesting and helpful.
Best wishes,
Paul.