Love, that most powerful of all emotions, can conquer all, or so the saying goes.
Loving someone else, whether in terms of a romantic relationship, a family member or a close friend can only be a positive thing.
In turn, the love we receive can inspire, motivate, enhance and nourish our lives, as well as act as categorical proof that there are people who truly care for us.
Being in love is a magical thing, and sharing your mutual hopes and dreams with someone who feels the same way is the most incredible feeling.
But what happens when those same powerful feelings begin to take a different course?
What happens when love turns into or even starts out as a dependency?
You see, for some, love (or what is perceived as love) isn’t just about forming a natural, healthy and close bond with someone else, they see it as a way of filling an emptiness or emotional void in themselves and use the relationship as a means to run away from or disguise their own problems and insecurities.
In such cases, there is a problem from the very beginning as the “love” becomes more about fulfilling one person’s needs rather than providing a mutually rewarding experience for both.
Particularly in romantic settings, this can lead to even greater insecurity, jealousy and other major issues, as the initially non-dependent person tries to do everything they can to reassure their dependent partner and keep them happy.
If you truly love someone, you will do everything you can to help them; you are with them through the good times and the bad and will do everything you can to support your partner and make them feel better about themselves.
Sadly, however, quite often in cases like the one I have mentioned, the more the non-dependent person tries to make their partner feel secure, the more things the dependent person will ask of them and the more pressure they will apply.
This can include accusing their partner of doing things they clearly haven’t done, keeping a check on their whereabouts on a constant and unhealthy basis, criticising other people close to their partner, and even telling them lies in a bid to put distance or cause a rift between them and, therefore, reducing the non-dependent person’s contact with others and their support network (isolation). Invariably it will also involve not allowing their partner the space which every person needs to function and grow in a healthy and productive way.
The relationship becomes solely about the needs of one person and how they can fill their emotional void and overcome their insecurities.They are effectively running from themselves and expecting someone else to take responsibility.
Eventually, and as the intensity of such behaviour increases, even the most happy, strong, confident, and formerly independent person, who is still in love with their partner, can begin to lose themselves, as their own needs become irrelevant and unimportant to their partner, if they ever were in the first place.
This, in turn, can then lead to them becoming codependent themselves, as the partner with the insecurities continues their attempts at controlling and manipulating the relationship and focussing on their needs only, and the other person tries even harder to satisfy the frequently damaging and unreasonable demands, and fend off totally undeserved accusations.
For some people, this can continue for years or even a lifetime, and I’ve seen people become shells of their former selves, myself included, after being involved in such destructive relationships.
On other occasions, it can last for shorter periods until either the non-dependent / codependent partner can’t take any more and leaves, or the dependent partner will view the other person as no longer able to fulfil their selfish emotional needs and will suddenly and often coldly discard them before moving on to a new source who can temporarily fill the emotional void which still exists.
Of course, the same thing will inevitably happen with the new source after a period of time, and so the destructive cycle continues.
In many cases, particularly if certain personality conditions / disorders are also involved, the dependent person, whether diagnosed or not (and the first step to being diagnosed is admitting you have a problem in the first place), will seek to deflect attention away from their own failings and behaviour and blame their former partner (often for things which they have actually done themselves), which is why so many leave a trail of broken relationships and destruction in their wake.
So what is the message behind all this?
Well, for a start, and most importantly, it demonstrates that no-one should ever depend on another person for their happiness.
We are all responsible for the decisions we make, and depending on another person to overcome your insecurities and deflect attention away from your own problems (including projecting them onto a partner) is selfish, irresponsible and can be extremely harmful to the other person. It can even cause lifelong emotional damage in some cases.
We all have our faults, and in most relationships there will inevitably be disagreements on occasions. Sometimes, one person will be wrong and sometimes the other. On occasions both are at fault, but that’s human nature. It’s never always “the other person’s fault”.
In a healthy relationship, the two people who love each other communicate calmly, show respect for each other’s feelings, listen to both perspectives and try to resolve the situation for the benefit of both.
They also put their trust and faith in each other and are not continually looking for ways to undermine their partner.
Despite my battles with depression, I consider myself to be a strong person, as I am sure would most people who know me, but, as I have said earlier, I have experienced this type of relationship in the past and the emotional impact it can have is devastating.
On one occasion, I lost myself to such an extent that I spiraled into a depression so deep that I was seconds away from taking my own life. It took me quite some time and intensive therapy to help me recover from the experience.
The psychologists I saw actually told me that a lot of what I had experienced and the behaviour directed at me was tantamount to mental abuse, but during the relationship and prior to the therapy, I couldn’t see it, and refused to quit or give up on the other person, who I loved deeply, desperately wanting to help them see the light and create a better life.
As someone who has suffered from periodic depression (of differing levels of severity and longevity) since their mid to late 20s, I even turned on myself, blaming my rapidly worsening condition for what was happening. However, I now realise (with help through my therapy) that my rapidly failing health was actually a reaction to the events and behaviour directed at me rather than a cause. Needless to say, however, the whole scenario became a vicious circle.
Sadly, my health became so bad that, in the end, and after my brush with suicide, I had no option but to seek medical help. I know that if I hadn’t, it is highly unlikely I would be sitting here writing this now. *
That, of course, was an extreme example, but it was an experience which changed my life forever, and I am now applying what I learned from it and subsequent situations to help me become an even stronger person.
I am also trying to understand why I have been so susceptible in the past, and have examined and scrutinised myself intensively looking for answers.
I have asked myself many questions and have looked deep inside myself. What did I do? Could I have done more? Do I have another illness or condition besides depression that affected the relationship?
I very openly and honestly (there are always two sides to every story) spoke to and asked the medical professionals the same, but they assured me that I had done everything I could in that particular situation, and confirmed that my mental state was severe depression and anxiety (there were no other associated conditions, etc) and was a direct reaction to what had happened.
They also told me that I had stuck things out longer than most would have been able to, so I guess I am lucky that the inner strength I have saved me in the end.
There is another chapter to this particular story, as I would discover several years later. However, that’s best kept for another time. *
Before I continue, I must clarify that despite my comments here, I am not for one moment attempting to push the blame for my own circumstances onto anyone else. I am simply using the experience to illustrate my point.
I accept that in some relationships, people have reasons to feel insecure and to seek reassurances, I also know that people’s insecurities can stem from previous bad or damaging experiences in their lives, and both empathy and compassion are essential when dealing with them.
However, in my own personal case, and for all my faults, there are things that I know for sure about myself: during my entire life I have always been 100 per cent faithful, I am an honest person, extremely loyal, compassionate and empathetic, and when I tell someone that I “love” them, then it comes from deep within my heart. My words are sincere.
I also know that everyone has their own personal life story and some have experienced some truly terrible things during their lives. However, that should never be used as an excuse or reason to mistreat or abuse others.
Everyone is responsible for their own actions. People have problems and conditions with which they need help but, the first stage of dealing with them is accepting them in the first place.
I accept that I suffer with periodic depression and anxiety and am not afraid to ask for assistance when I need it. I face up to my emotions and problems and I deal with them.
Running away from them and projecting them onto others, or depending on other people to solve the problem is never a solution. Sure, we can ask for and receive help, and sometimes professional help is essential to aid recovery, but true change can only come from within ourselves.
I stick by people I love and do everything I can to help them, through both the highs and the lows.
As readers can no doubt see, this has been to my detriment on occasions, but I still care about certain individuals who have hurt me deeply and I am grateful for the lessons our time together has taught me.
Whether they are in my life or not, I hope that one day they no longer need to depend on others to try and fill that emotional void. I hope they manage to break the destructive cycle and find the happiness they are looking for in the only place they can, within themselves.
We should all face our feelings, accept them, learn from them, and take strength from the lessons they teach us.
Love with all your heart and be proud of your ability to do so, but ensure those you give your heart to are worthy of your feelings and sincerity, and capable of the same.
Never let others take advantage of you, use you or try to control and manipulate you; people who are genuine will love you for who you are and not who they want you to be or because they wish to depend on you to help them run away from deeper rooted problems and insecurities in their lives.
You will inspire, support, put your faith in and trust each other. You will be loyal and faithful, and both partners will encourage each other to go after their dreams and take joy in sharing the experience.
Someone who loves you will always make time for you and be by your side through thick and thin.
Their actions will support their words.
Ultimately, however, we are all responsible for shaping our own destiny, so always be true to yourself, and don’t seek approval from or depend on anyone else for your happiness, peace and inner calm.
Be yourself, and never let anyone put you down or steal your passion.
Life is for living.
* There will be more information about the aforementioned episode in my forthcoming book, Both Sides of the Story.
Video and extract: Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston.
“I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadows.
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I’ll live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can’t take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all.”
